Where is that special water?

Joyful

2010-12-14T04:49:00.000-08:00

Hello Darlin,

Nice to see ya.

It's been a long tiiiiiiimmmee, your just as lovely....

Ok. Stop throwing the tomatoes. I was just telling you how much I missed you and there were days when I thought about sitting down to write but then the baby would break through the baby gate and get a blue highlighter and commence to painting himself like a smurf.

Then there was this one time I started to tell you how awful my other job was to me when they found out about my other gig and they shorted me some hours, making it to where I had to call new boss and see about starting the other job early because I would be going a whole month without pay if I had started when I was supposed to.

Oh Yea.

I get paid once a month.

Like a teacher.

But I'm not, cause while I love my kids, I don't want to be cooped up in a room 26 other little darlings that eat crayons, or drive their teachers crazy with tech decks, or sneak there cell phones into class so they can text each other while they are sitting right next to each other. No way.

I went the opposite end other the spectrum.

It has nothing to do with butts as I just went back and read that.

I work with the elderly and disabled, making sure they have their bill paid while they are in the nursing home. I love it so much.

It is the kind of job, that when you look up, you realize you have been working for hours and it is either lunch time or time to go home.

The job is challenging and rewarding and just makes me happy.

Plus!

I have my OWN office.

My OWN phone line. (That Eric tried to prank call me on and was not so pleasantly surprised to find that I have caller ID. Hee Hee.

Gosh there is so much to tell but I have to get ready to go to my amazing job.

I will be reading and checking up on your blogs as fast as I can.

There are a few of you that have had a tough time from what I can tell and I am unbelievable sorry for your loss.

And some that have gotten answers to your prayers and that makes me giddy.

My family could be healthier, happier.

And I couldn't be more grateful, blessed.

Love Ya!

The mirror

2010-10-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

"You don't have to nit-pick every single thing I do, ALL THE TIME", I said hotly.

"I wasn't."

"I just walked in the door. What is wrong with you?"

I looked at him through the bathroom mirror and said, "I am worried that I am not going to be able to do this job, when I have such a hard time managing our family."

There is was.

I wasn't mad at Eric. I was just afraid.

How many times have you said something harsh to your spouse or kids because you have nowhere else to lay the fear and the angst?

I do it way to often.

Eric knows me so well and he does get irritated but on days like today he just lets it roll off his back.

"You are going to do great at your job, ya know."

God, I love that man.

Eric steers our ship.

Sure I like to think that I am the brains of the operations.(I am soooo not.)

The planner, saver, shopper, cook, maid, hug giver etc.

But he is our captain.

He is the guide.

The more I learn about my relationship with my Savior, the more I learn about my relationship with my husband and THAT is exactly where I want to be.

Loving God completely gives me the power to love my husband in ways I never dreamed.

Who knew?

Inhibition? What inhibition.

2010-10-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Did yall see that crazy lady that climbed the local water tower and sat up there screaming, "I got it. I got the job"!!!!

Ok. So I didn't actually do that but if I was in better shape, and that water tower wasn't on the other side of town, you would be staring at my big butt as I shimmy up the latter.

I wanna dance.

I wanna sing.

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not too loud as we might scare it.

2010-10-07T12:12:00.000-07:00

So what have I been up too?

Hmmm.

We had a fantastic birthday party but I don't have home Internet right now so I can't upload the pics. We did the number "1" theme complete with a cupcake-cake shaped in a "1". Super cute. Anyone that is having a *midget b-day party, I highly recommend investing in a bubble maker. Eric got one at Wal-mart for six bucks and it was a huge hit. In fact we are still using it when Conner gets fussy and we want to calm him down.

E is still kicking some little league football booty, playing center. This has been quite an experience for me since I don't know jack about football and really don't care to know. But my little boy's job is to be the hiker and protect the quarter-back(I think). He is good at it and they have only lost one game and it was super close. His only beef is that he had to tackle a girl the other night and he felt weird(awww).

I applied for a very good job that I am border-line scared off but want so badly. It would be changing fields, somewhat, but taking what I love about my job and getting to do it all the time. It's workin for the man though so there are a bunch of hoops and the interview was one of those that you don't get to talk about what YOU want to talk about, it is a pre-determined list of questions like; describe a specific office conflict you have had in the past and how to deal with it. So I am going to say it was definitely not my best interview.

Also, here is a little tidbit about me. I tend to ramble about really weird and personal stuff when I am nervous, or sceered, whatever you want to call it. I may or may not have told my interviewer that I debated on eating lunch and I did and now my tummy was making weird noises. I actually said that.

THOSE WERE MY EXACT WORDS.

She laughed, but it was in that weird-uncomfortable way.

Then, I was thinking, "Wow, I think that totally broke the ice."

Now, I am thinking, "I am a MO--Ron".

I really, REALLY want this job.

It may end my blogging career..hardie har.. but I still want it.

I won't know their decision until next week so until then I will pray, hold my breath, make bargains, be nice to everyone I come in contact with(just in case), and pray some more.

Also I am thinking about dressing Connor up as King Julian, king of the lemurs in Madagascar, for all you people that are lucky enough to not have watched that movie 60,000 times this year. I think it will be cute and I can get the costume online for about 10 bucks.

Anyone else craving some pumpkin pie?

Retraction

2010-09-23T17:23:00.001-07:00

I had to take down the last post because I came home to a beautifully cleaned house. See I told ya he reads my blog. It made me feel loved and understood.

It's his party and I'll cry if I want to.

2010-09-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

I feel sorry for my kids today.

I feel bad that they don't have a mother who can plan birthday parties months in advance complete with a huge guest list, ponies, clowns..scratch the scary clowns..., but GAH!!

Conner's birthday is in three days and ask me what I have done in honor of the baby that I literally STOOD ON MY HEAD to have.

Nothing, zilcho, nadda, zero.

I don't have the cake ordered. I didn't send out invitations. I thought, "meh, I'll get to it."

That was a month ago and I simply never got to it.

Now I am all shitty and depressed that my baby won't have a good party Saturday and he will hate me and his dad will be his new favorite person when all he is going to do it SHOW UP!

And now I am all mad at Eric and he is not here to defend himself.

The reality is. Our family is well aware of his special day.

The ones that matter in his life will show up and don a party hat and watch him tear the shit out of his cake.

Then we will have a great dinner and laugh as a mess is made of the freshly cleaned dining room. And it will be ok.

It will be O-KIZ-AY. (Sorry, I have been watching a bunch of Madagascar)

He is here. He is healthy.

We will celebrate his first year of life Saturday with all our hearts.

I feel better now.

Grace and patience

2010-09-13T07:22:00.001-07:00

My life is changing.

I didn't start this change. I am not even sure how it happened.

I am a new person.

I feel this urgency churning in my soul.

Something is happening in my life and I finally feel receptive for the plans laid out for me.

I am embracing my future.

I am loving my God.

Ok, I feel strange with that last statement.

I grew up in church.

Everyone around me seemed to get God. Seemed to hear him when he spoke. They has things figured out. Or so it seemed.

I pretended. I got very good at acting and I am sure I had some sort of relationship with Christ, but I wasn't a very good one. I knew what I was supposed to do and say to blend in with everyone else. I knew how to look "spiritual". But it was never me.
Finally when I just couldn't seem to find truth or make sense out of everyone elses truth, I gave up. I just couldn't live like them. It was too hard not to sin. As hard as I tried for perfection I just couldn't get there and I was tired.

For 10 years I pretended not to care. For a decade I have live the way I wanted. Done what was best for me. I didn't need God and he didn't need me. There were plenty of other people to do his will and I was happy to go my own way.

But he does need me!

He has my purpose.

I am his.

UHHGGGG. This sounds so cliche.

It is wonderful and crazy at the same time.

Everywhere I go I want to say, "Hey, Guess what"?

"I am tight with God again"

And then I feel all weird and like I can't go around yelling that. But I want to. Becuase

"Hey"

"Jesus is my homie"

OOH OOH AHH AHH

2010-09-10T07:59:00.001-07:00

How is my half-assed job hunt going?

Well, let's see. I was told at an informal interview that a monkey could do my current job. But I was also told they probably couldn't afford me.

?

???

So, I am so great at doing so little, that I am worth a butt load.

That is the only positive spin I can put on it.

It's kinda funny actually.

I would be laughing if it were not so sad.

Gestapo? Me?

2010-09-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

Today, I am thinking about the defining roles that Eric and I carry in our house.

He is the person that takes care of all the breaks, leaks, grass mowin, animal feeding, tire kicking, and big furniture moving. You know all the big male stuff that little ole' me can't handle.

I do the women's work. I know its sexist but my dad calls it that. Eric insinuates it. E is already jumping on the bandwagon with, "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?" and "I need clean socks!" Even the baby totally knows who to turn to when tummy is empty or boo boos need to be kissed. I do what I can to keep the house somewhat presentable. I am no Martha Stewart, but I am what they were given and I think they are satisfied for the most part.

And you know what? I totally love it. Sure, I may act offended sometimes when I come home and they are laying across the bar barely able to lift their limp, malnourished bodies because between the two of them (Conner is still totally innocent here) they can't figure out that a (made by them) pb&j will totally take that hunger pain away until mom can get in here and make dinner.

The real job I am questioning, is the one of the financial planner.

The money distributor.

The bill payer.

The financial. decision. maker.

I don't wanna do that anymore.

I have always been the one to pay the bills, calculate the budget and keep things rockin along.

We have had to make some drastic cuts these last couple of months and since I handle the money, I kinda feel like I am the bad guy handing out the meager allowances and cheep stipends for our weekly needs.

Eric refuses to keep up with the balance of the checkbook which makes ME have to tell him what is in there when he wants to make a purchase.

I kinda hate it.

We work so very hard and I just don't wanna be the doom and gloom of spend thrift all the time.

Sometimes I want HIM to give me my allowance and let me skip off freely while he handles the cable bill. HMMPH

In the face.

2010-09-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

"Wow, your pregnant!"

I stared at Eric in the mirror as I was getting ready for work. "What makes you think that?"

"It's the same way I could tell last time", he crowed.

I start visually checking all my fatty deposits, ie: boobs, butt, tummy.

"No, you don't look fat." "I can just tell it in your face."

I just stared at him (silently thinking about punch him in the face.

Eric in sitting on the merry go round, calling for me to join him.

There are so many reasons not to.

Maybe the decision has already been made.

Foo-Fighters

2010-08-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

Fights suck.

Husband, parents, children, best friends or co-workers. After an altercation you usually want to make amends in someway. Maybe it's a cold beer after a few punches. An email from a friend after a stupid fight. A good old fashioned shag with your hubby after an intense scream fest over the size of your family (ahem).

Then there are the fights that offer no resolution. There is no point. You will never see exactly eye to eye. You will never truly be at peace with the other person and you know the fights, well, they just keep coming.

And to me a fight can sometimes be therapeutic. You throw it out there. You take the other's crap and after you mull it over you can sort through the bs and find a middle ground. You grow stronger. Because generally you care enough to fight it out. You care about getting through the issues-to the other side. These fights I can take. In fact they are NECESSARY.

It's the stinky poo-poo heads that you will never ever resolve anything with but have no choice but to try anyway because, like it or not, you will be saddle-bagged to one another for AT LEAST the next 8 years.

And you really don't care. But you do. Because of the little person that, someday, you hope will grow up to be a NON-douche that actually cares about someone other than themselves.

Fighting is with THEM is futile.

Throwing a flaming bag of dog poo on their porch? Not THAT may get us somewhere.

Ma and Pa Kettle

2010-08-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

My office smells like a teenager's Ford Focus.

Bubble yum bubble gum- Watermelon.

We have one of those spray thingies that they put a different scent in every month and think the guy came Monday, but I have been so stuffy with sinus crap that I just smelled it today.

Well Monday I was supposed to take my monthly trip to CVS to get my bp pills and Eric was all, "Why don't you just not go get them."

"Ha Ha", Chuckle, Chuckle, "OK honey"

"No, I'm serious, Let's just let things happen."

I just kinda stared at him for a minute, trying to figure out if he was serious or not. We have already been through this once when Conner was SIX WEEKS OLD.

"Are you sure?"

I started all the usual (and important) reason why having a baby right now (even though I am aware it could take another FOUR years.)

Finances

Space

Time

And he was all "It will work out".

So I didn't go get them.

AND I HAVEN'T LET HIM TOUCH ME.

AHEM.

The truth is.

I don't want to be pregnant right now. I didn't know how I would feel at a year since it was so difficult getting Conner here. I love my baby. I am completely insanely smitten with both my off springs. IN THE FUTURE (I don't know how long), I am gonna probably want one more little darling to hopefully grace our home with more baby puke and boogers(hopefully pink ones), but right now I IS TIRED.

Eric works nights.

Which means that I work every night.

I have had FOUR solid nights sleep in the past year.

I am not complaining. Just stating facts.

Now he is all butt hurt that I wont just lie back and let him plant his seed.

I feel guilty because even when he was not sure about Conner, I was. I knew having him would be the best thing we had ever done. He finally got on board but not at first. Now he is trying to do the convincing and I am sticking my fingers in my ears. But I is MY body that has to Carry another baby so soon. My boobs that will be the babies sole source of nutrition for six months. My feet that will resemble water balloons for ten months.

I just need another six months.

Or year...

Sigh...but I think he is serious.

And I feel like a bully.

2010-08-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

Fall is in the air.

I can taste it.

Feel it.

Maybe it is because we have had 110 degree days and today it is in the lower 80's, but I still think the season is a changin.

I love, love, love fall.

I love the light jackets and the changing of the leaves. I like to take hikes and bike rides.

I love the pumpkins and the fall vegetables.

I like the crisp air and the clean feeling deep in your lungs. The kind of days where you don't feel the need to shower by lunch time, even though all you did was walk to your car but you are dripping with sweat and you shoes are all sweaty and gross.

Summer.

I am soooo over you.

Bena-chill!

2010-08-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

The baby and I were hit with crippling allergies yesterday(on E's first day of school) and we both look pit-e-ful.

I sneezed and cried my way through the day, and when I went to pick him put he looked miserable.

I am really weird about medicine. I am not against it per say I just really have to feel they need it before I will give them anything and I always like to get the pharmacist's take on whatever it is that I am going to be administering cause let's face it; that is what they went to school for and they usually know more about the drugs than the doctors.

The pharmacist is going over the specifics of the different allergy meds and we decided on the basic benadryl since this was Conner's first bout with allergies. Pharmacist was going over the side effects and of course I know in the back of my mind, benadryl= more rest for baby AND mommy. "This medication cause marked drowsiness in most infants, but there are a few that get pretty anxious and WOUND (THE FUCK*)UP.

That is the moment that the cruel unjust hand of fate leaned over and whispered into my ear, "JINX"

My child was on all fours headbanging for about two hours in my living room last night. He would not eat and not only would he not eat he would throw everything I gave him in the floor and laugh. He climbed. He pulled the cats tail. Head butted his brother and almost made him cry. OH OH OH and poked me repeatedly in my allergy ridden eyes saying "Eye, Eye".

Eric in full charge tonight. Eye am going to bed ASAP.

*My words, not his.

A decade

2010-08-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

10 years ago today I was handed a red-faced, screaming baby and called mom. I want to say that I was overcome with maternal instinct. That I instantly became this title. Mother.

The fact is however, that I was terrified.

What was I supposed to do now?

Surely they are not going to leave me alone with this tiny little baby and expect me to keep him alive, ALL BY MYSELF!!?!

But they did.

Later that evening I remember looking over at him in his little plastic bed and we locked eyes.

His eyes pierced my very soul.

That was when it came rushing in like a flood.

I will never forget that look.

The look of dependency.

The look of questions.

The first time to feel such a powerful love. The kind you would do anything for.

This creature was mine.

I could do this.

This morning I was awaken by those same eyes a decade later.

"Mom, Can I sleep in here for just a little while?"

I smiled and rearranged the covers and got him settled in.

"Happy birthday, son."

He smiled and we locked eyes.

"Thank you, mom"

July wrap-up

2010-08-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

Where in the heck did summer go? 3 weeks until school starts? E is excited about school starting back. He can't wait. He is planning on asking the girl of his dreams to be his girlfriend. He has been planning all week. Can I get a collective Aawwwww?? He is starting football too, and for some reason he feels that this is going to cinch his cool status at school. I hope it does and I guess if he doesn't walk away with a concussion, it will be worth it.

Connor is just steps away from walking. He will stand in the middle of the floor all by himself but he just won't take that first step. I am kinda excited but not enough to loose my little baby that needs to be carried by hims, mommy. He says: Mama, Dada, & kitty. He points at everything he wants and physically throws his whole body away from anything he doesn't want. Last night I was trying to give him an animal cracker and he didn't want it because he wanted my pop-corn. Every time I would offer the cracker he would get on the floor and hide his head. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. Eric walked through and made me stop torturing him.

Life just feels so good right now.

There is some stuff that we wish we weren't going through. Bills are kinda crappy and we don't have a money tree in the backyard. But we are so happy.

I feel content.

I feel happy.

I went to church yesterday.

Not because I felt I needed too.

Just becuase I wanted to.

I went with the purpose of simply giving thanks for all we have.

I have had a strained relationship with God for awhile.

Church has always been an obligation.

Praying was something I was supposed to do.

Being a preacher's kid and pastor's grandkid always left me feeling judged. I know everything there is to know about religion, the bible, what you should and shouldn't do, but I don't think I ever really learned what MY relationship with God is like.

It's something I wanna know.

I want to come to God with no motives.

I did Sunday.

I think I can handle this kind of relationship.

The other was much too stressfull.

2010-07-13T11:51:00.001-07:00

Well, Well,

Time flies when you are having fun.

I always have too little to say of too much.

Here lately, so much has been coming at us that I simply cannot write about for multiple reasons. A whole shit ton of good and just a few minor complications.

Privacy issues keep me from completely telling our family's story.

Our family of FIVE'S story.

I have a step-daughter who I will finally get to know.

I have never blogged about this before because the story is not mine, it's Eric's and it has always been such a touchy, painful issue that I just couldn't put into words. But the important thing is that we are getting an opportunity that we didn't think existed. I have a teen-age step daughter (eeek). My children have an older sister who is an absolute joy to be around.

I am not going into any more details.

I may in the future.

Who knows.

We are so very happy and I want to share. I do. I am just so very afraid of my blog. It's funny how something so good for you and therapeutic, can be a weapon if it fell in the wrong hands.

I toy with the idea of starting up another blog. One with nicknames and no pics so that I can just let it all hang out. Ya know?

But then if my blog makes the big time, then how will I ever appear on Dr. Phil without outing my family?

I keed, I keed.

I wouldn't go on Dr. Phil because I am afraid he will pick at my thread and figure out that I am severely screwed up or something. I don't wanna deal with my issues today, Dr. Phil, so just back off ok?

Just know that we are in suck a very awesome place in our family.

E is enjoying summer and taking a vacation about every other week so far. He went to Disney with Dad, Camping with the grandparents, stay cation with us, church camp next week, and the rest is to be determined. And can you believe he said this morning that he was ready for school to start? He is a weirdo that one.

Conner is ALL.MOST ONE.

Next month I will start planning his first birthday.

He is everywhere. All the time.

He eats anything in sight and (most of the time) it is food and not paper, grass, SLUGS or dog/cat food.

He is so close to taking steps that it is scary. He wants to. You can see it in his little face but he gets scared and sits down and crawls where he wants to go.

He is a MAMA'S boy. It is so bad that I think he would be happier if I had a kangaroo pouch for him to ride in. I kinda think this is a boobie thing and as flattered as I am, I am so ready for my boobs to be mine again.

Call me selfish.

I DON'T CARE.

Now he has slowed down quite a bunch this week cause I have been offering bottles to him. He was kinda put out at first but he has learned that he can be mobile with the bottle and as long as I am sitting approximately two feet away he will drink from the bottle and play. If I walk away then all bets are off.

I have loved breast feeding until now. Cried while looking down at his sweet face and feeling contentment that I have never felt before.

BUT.

Ya know how when you watch a mama dog try to wean their babies and the little puppy just hangs on and she is trying to get away and she looks kinda tired, cranky, OVER IT?

Well, send me hate mail, call me a sucky mom but I am tired of having my nipple stretched two feet because Conner is trying to snack AND play on his stand-up jazz piano thingie.

We are weaning.

I hope everyone is having a great summer.

We are and it is amazing!

RING AROUND THE ROSIOLA

2010-06-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

Well, we survived our first childhood illness this week.

The baby is pokey dotted from head to toe. He looks pitiful. The dots are lightly scattered on his face and it gets thicker as you go down. The rash doesn't seem to bother him, but he is still pretty tired.

Saturday we battled a 103 degree fever and I held him literally all day long. Eric stayed home with us Saturday night and we all three camped out in the living room on E's full sized matress. E was at his dads so we borrowed his bed so that I could actually put the baby down while he was sleeping. He wouldn't sleep in his bed and I don't feel comfortable leaving him on my bed if I am not next to him. My plan didn't work though because he would only lay on the bed it I did so I spend 48 hours laying in the living room floor watching the first 2 season of Weeds*.

Sunday was a little better but he still didn't feel very good so we had a low key cookout with our parents. The rash broke out that night and as Conner started feeling better he decided he didn't need anymore sleep so we stayed up until 11:30 getting into everything we are not supposed to.

Now he has thrush.

Also, my boobs have it.

Thrush sucks and that is about all I know about it. I am waiting for the presciption and trying to find things that he can eat with a bum tongue.

I was getting worried cause he wouldn't eat but last night he discovered Mcdonald's french fries and ketchup and despite the thrush he mananged to eat about a cup full of it. So totally gross!

TWO'S DAY

2010-06-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

My husband and I work the same schedule today. This never happens and for some reason I can NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. I feel weird like umm.. having some pretty naughty thoughts (Hi, mom-in-law). He is all dressed up and right down the street and I keep imagining him taking lunch when I do and meeting up at the house and ripping our...(CENSORED)

Of course this won't happen cause our house is filled with kiddo's and grandparents watching the kiddo's and cats and goldfishes, but it's a nice thought. Maybe we could just go have lunch together instead. Alone. At the park..

Geez I need to get a grip.

I think since he took the 3:30am shift with the baby I am just feeling a little appreciative. More sleep is HOT.

I felt bad for him this morning because he had a rough night with the baby. His exact words at one point were, "We are weaning this baby now! No more boobie for him!"

I had to take E to the ER last night due to a virus that is making him have some terrible headaches. We saw his DR yesterday morning and since it's viral we can't really do anything for him but treat the headache and two regular Tylenol didn't touch the headache or the fever so I had no choice but the bring him down and see if they could do anything for him.

We waited for 2 hours and still had not been seen at 9pm and the baby woke up and his boobie wasn't there and he was PISSED. He screamed for about 30 minutes and my husband almost met us up at the ER just to make sure the baby wasn't coming down with anything. He wasn't. He was just very unhappy that the booby lady stepped out on him.

I feel bad. I know that breast is best. But when breast is the only thing that makes him happy, it is hard on any person that tries to soothe him.

E's headache went away before we were even seen so we decided to try going back home and if it got worse through the night coming back up there. They basically said there was nothing to do and he was welcome to lay in a dark room with a cold cloth on his head while waiting another two hours to be seen by an actual DR; who would probably just give him Motrin and send him home.

We decided we could do that at home and this morning he seemed to be feeling much better.

Conner was his normal happy self after feeding about 3 times after I got home.

I was actually feeling pretty good having the extra sleep. Eric, however, had the dazed no-sleep, haggard face I usually have.

Eric asked what was wrong with Conner last night.

"Honey, this is an every night thing." I gave him a kiss and said, "Try to focus cause by 3pm, you will probably want to kill yourself."

Self Feeding?

2010-06-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

As Conner chowed down on breakfast in his walker, I busied myself with the morning chores thinking how self feeding has made the morning routine just a little easier and really just patting myself on the back because I am starting to get this whole life tornado to stop spinning so violently.

I go to get him and clean him up for the day and am quite suprised how little mess there was to clean up.

While in the midst of my afternoon break, it dawned on me why the area was so clean.

Our little dog was running around unsuprovised also..

AAAAAACK.

Mother of the year?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

Genetics

2010-05-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

One of my earliest memories is Spending the weekend at my Aunt Elly's for family reunions. We lived next door to my great-grandmother and she would take me down a day early and all the women would gather in the kitchen, cooking, gossiping, all in the name of preparing for the 50 or so people that would come down on Friday night and stay through the weekend.

Aunt Elly lived in a small 2 bedroom frame house with a huge kitchen on the back and a bigger sun porch on the front. Her home was very simple and even though there was indoor plumbing ,the last and most recent modern addition to her home, there was also an outhouse.

My favorite thing to do was lay under the large claw foot table in her kitchen while the cooking and laughing commenced over my head.

That night I would curl up with my grandma in a soft feather bed with lots of feather pillows and giggle all the while her laughing and softly patting me on the leg to calm me into sleeping. I would roll over and grasp her earlobe between my fingers and drift off into perfect sleep.

The next day as family members would drift in, playmates would be added to the group one by one.

We chased chickens.

We fed the horses.

We made mud pies.

Adam would cry because he got dirty. Jack would cry after we made him sample the pie.

It was worth standing in the corner.

All eleven times.

Food was plenty. Even if the chickens were prepared from start to finish RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

Love was abundant.

My first glimpse of the fibers that knitted together who and what made me.

This weekend we will travel to a family reunion.

The location will be different.

More modern.

I will be one of the women in the kitchen.

My children will be making the pies and standing in the corner.

Some of the same people will be there and some will be looking down from above.

But the thing that won't change?

The Love.

2010-05-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

You know when you start that new relationship and you are all swooning in it's awesome sauce, dreaming of the happy future you will have together?

And then. AND THEN.

You google them to find out there is a website full of scorned woman who have been jilted by this peter puffer? Such things as taking money and making empty promises that they could never deliver. Leaving you stranded on the side of the road with no cab fair and a broken stap on your flip flop in 90 degree heat and you have to hop on one foot to the nearest payphone to call for a ride as to not burn you bare foot on the nasty pavement. Making YOU pay THEM while you are the "worker bee" in the relationship?

Well, this really hasn't happened to me. I mean it DID, but it wasn't a man so much as a stinkin company.

The company's name is Smelly Hippo Cooters.

Ok that is not really the name but the initials are the same.

I have spent the last week in a fog thinking that this may be a great opportunity for me. Doing what I feel in my bones I should be doing. I was dreaming of coming home exhausted and fulfilled. Knowing that I was helping people. The perks. The money. My chance to put all the training I have had to use. To use my license for the purpose it was intended.

That dream ended at 11:47pm with a quick google search.

I read on and on about all the disgruntled previous employees.

I am heart broken.

Stupid Smelly Hippo Cooters.

*"Why you gotz to lie, Craig?"

*"Why you gotz to liiieeee."

Eric did remind me that I should be thankful that I do have a job. And it is with a major player in the industry. Even though I don't like the position. Somewhere there is potential.

Well, He didn't say all that he just said, "Be thankful you gotz a job", but I like my affirmation better.

*Bonus points if you can tell me what movie this if from. No prize though except for my love and devotion.

Knock it off

2010-05-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Top Colleges,

Stop calling to speak to my boss. Please.

He did not request information on colleges on the Internet yesterday.

IT was me and it was a total accident.

To the ass-monkey that I spoke to on the phone,

"You will not be able to talk to my boss for him to request to be taken off your list. He has a PHD and, I assure you, has no interest in furthering his college career."

The only reason that you were alerted of this request is I accidentally clicked the wrong button on a pop up and I don't need you alerting HIM that I was dicken around on the Internet.

No Thanks.

Have a nice day.

Back in the stirrups

2010-05-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

I gained four pounds since Conner started eating more solid foods. I guess I can no longer shove whatever I want down my gullet and expect him to suck the pounds away.

Silver lining= I found hot, mail(I just went back to reread, which I hardly ever do and I mean MALE. I just wanted you to see what everyone else is dealing with on a day to day basis with me.) yoga in the Netflix work-out instant watch section. I think that might be enough to get a morning work-out routine started.

I am not sure what is wrong with me but I have been feeling very light-headed the last couple of days. I went for my birth-control check-up. It's ACTUALLY my annual exam but I only went because they threatened to not give me my pills; and even though it took 3 years to have our bundle of joy, the thought of doing it again so soon sort of get me panicky. (I really didn't expect to feel that way)

But ANYWAY,

I have been feeling like I am perpetually tipsy, buzzed, spacey, dreaming, but not in a good way. Moving my head to fast makes me dizzy. Reaching above my head and things like that I can't tolerate right now so I am getting a little alarmed.

My Dr. check my ears for infection and my blood for anemia and my blood-sugar and there is no reason for me to feel this way. My blood pressure was border-line high, which is very strange since it was perfect during pregnancy but they said it is something we need to watch.

So my doc said, "Call me if it doesn't go away."

Me,"How long?"

Him, "Whenever, it will probably go away?"

Me, "Probably"

Me, "Liiiike in a couple days?"

Him, "That's fine"

Me, "What's fine?"

Him, "It will go away."

Me, "But, I feel like I just drank a shot of tequila all the time."

Him, "Well then maybe you should make an appointment with your doctor."

Me, ?????????????????

So, I don't really have a primary care Dr. and they referred me to one that just got indicted for pre*scription handling a*buse. So I guess I need to find someone else. I am really worried about the whole thing. I don't feel right. I feel like I am in a dream.

I am scared that this is

Depression?

How could I possible be depressed. I don't FEEL depressed.

Do I?

I took the online quizzes and ya know what?

I do.

Maybe.

I know something is off.

But I do know I am happy. Just very, very tired.

Camp co-sleep?

2010-05-12T14:52:00.003-07:00

So Conner has slept in the same bed with me since he came home from the hospital, give or take a few nights. I usually put him down at night in his own crib and then go get him on his first wake-up or sometimes when I am going to bed (simply because I am lazy and don't want to have to get up in 25 minutes, when he decides it time for a snack.) I love sleeping with him. Feeling his little warm body all snugly. The way he pats my face when he wakes up (or sticks a finger in my nose). The smile he has when he wakes up. Not having to get out of bed since he still nurses 2-3 times a night. It just makes me feel good.

However, I am still hearing the "thunk" he made when he went off our California king bed unto the floor. I don't think I will ever get that sound out of my head. It hurt my heart way worse than it did him. In fact, he was laughing minutes after it happened and was trying to eat the frozen waffle I was putting on his teeny boo-boo. But I still felt awful. I knew it was coming as he is getting very active in his sleep and I just didn't take the appropriate precautions. This happened a week ago and I know have pillows on the floor and huge barricade on one side of the bed and sleep with my hand on him so that if he moves I wake up. So far it has worked. But I don't want it to happen again.

All last week I tried to work with him at sleeping in his own bed and he is having nothing of it. Now he doesn't even want to go down in his bed and I can only guess it's because I spend all last week trying to keep him in it all night instead of bringing him in with me. He will be sound asleep in my arms and scream when he feels himself touch the mattress. I can't do cry it out. I just can't do it. I don't want to.

I want him with me.

Maybe we should just buy a king sized crib.

Camp co-sleep?

2010-05-12T14:52:00.001-07:00

Under Pressure

2010-05-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Well I think it's finally happening.

I am coming down from the high of new mommy hood and looking around at the chaos that is my job, house, finances, personal life and having a leeeeetle tiny melt-down.

I am blissfully happy.

My house is a shambles.

I am totally awe struck with my children.

I needz a good nights sleep.

I am totally bonded with the Connor's daddy.

I feel out of sinc with my husband.

I am happy that my mother found love.

I hate(ish) my new step-father.

I don't need or want anything.

It's a good thing cause I gotz no money in the bank.

I am thankful I have a job

I hate(full blown) my job.

I get to travel to see extended family next month.

The circumstances for the trip, however, suck.

I take Vacation the first week of July.

Sing it with me now. "IIIIIIIII aint got no muuuuhahuuuuuny.

I love my blog.

You get crappy posts like this...

Pick Me! Pick Me!

2010-04-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

I did it.

I finally submitted my application to my dream job.

I feel like I wanna throw up. True it could be the leftover roast that I ate for lunch that MAY have been in the fridge a little too long, but I really think it is the possibility of leaving my comfy,yet low pay, job in search of a whole brand spankin new career.

I know this is my job. I feel it.

I would be good for it and it would be good for me.

I am very burnt out right now and I need a change. I need a total job makeover if you will.

So I sit here. Waiting.

Little rumblies in my tummy.

Damn pot roast.

BALLS

2010-03-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

This morning I was digging in the back of my closet looking for my "Kiss me, I'm Irish" t-shirt.

I was getting pretty pissed that I couldn't find it and my besties are patiently waiting in the driveway for me so we can go to Six Flags.

I know it is in here but I don't wanna dig too far because the last time I did that I ended up with cat poo on my forehead.

Well shit!(pun..well you know)

Now they are honking.

I am trying to hurry. Quit the damn honking.

My god! Stop!

I run to the garage door.

"Stop honking the damn horn" I giggle.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I realize as I am laying in bed that I don't HAVE a "kiss me I'm Irish" t-shirt.

The "honking" is my alarm clock.

My best buddy lives 1,000 miles away and is not in fact in my drive way.

I have a baby finger in my nose.

I am not going to Six Flags today but I AM going to work.

The only thing relevant to the whole dream is

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!!!

2010-03-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

To my darling little screeching howler monkey,

I say that in the nicest way possible. What is with all the screaming? Are you working your way to lead singer in some crazy death metal band in your teens? We have all been walking around with grins and headaches for a whole week now. Its hilarious how it takes your whole body to muster up the scream and you have to sit and recuperate for a couple of minutes before you can scream again. There is a saying though. Its only funny a max of 3 times. I learned that in theatre. It's a good lesson so..

In the six months that you have been on this earth, you have learned all sorts of neat tricks. You can smile and laugh. You can SCREAM. You are trying to wave bye-bye.

You can make us come running when you do your little fake cough you have started.

You haven't quite figured out how the whole crawling thing is supposed to work but you can roll to your destination like no body's business.

Your days are normally spent drinking from your CUP, eating puffs, and watching Madagascar. And BTW we really have to talk about your movie. I know you like it. I know you like to MOVE IT, MOVIE IT. But really? Two times a day? We are not even supposed to be letting you watch tv.

It's not hurting you though. You are the smartest SIX MONTH OLD around I just know it. You are a cute, inquisitive, sweet, sharing little critter.

You love to play and be outside.

Your favorite thing to do it to take a walk to the park in your stroller we haven't gotten to do it much but I promise you will spend a ton of time there this summer.

I also want to thank you for sleeping until 5am these last couple of days. The time change has been a little rough on mommy so the extra sleep is much needed. However, last night while I was rocking you to sleep at 9pm and casually mentioned to your father how you were super easy to get to sleep and then you sat up from your knocked out state and preceded to stay awake until 11pm? That was not cool. Jokes on mommy right? See? I told you, super smart.

To be serious. You have totally and completely blown your father and I away by how incredibly awesome you are. I see great things in you already. I see such a gentleness in you soul that I will protect with every fiber of my being. You are content. You wake up every morning happy. I do too little man.

You adore your daddy, bubby, and mommy (in that order I am afraid).

& I adore you.

Happy 1/2 a year kid!

Monday Musings

2010-03-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

I just figured I would give a random list of my boo-shit today.

I have been obsessed with Big Love for the last month or so. I started watching season four on HBO, but then decided I really want to watch from the beginning.

To date I have had two dreams about the po-lig-a-me.

I dreamed I was Nikki. It really bothers me that I am not Margene. I mean Nikki is the wife that is all conservative with the long hair with a half-up,bump it, Snookie, poof thing going on. She wears ankle length dresses and almost never swears. But she is crafty and sneaky and I do appreciate that.

Margene is the spunky, hot, third wife. I could go for being her.

However, things are getting a little out of hand because last night I dreamed that the scary Mormans at Juniper Creek stole Conner and wouldn't give him back because he was not being raised properly. So I might need to take a little breakey from HBO.

We spent the weekend back in my hometown visiting relatives and had a great time. We helped my grandparents clean up their property and just visited. It was exactly what we needed. Conner charmed the pants off everyone he met and was the best baby I could ask for. I am amazed at how well he travels. I don't think he cried the entire time we were there. E was great too. He worked so very hard raking leaves and hauling tree limbs.

I feel my grandparents house is my childhood home and it is very soothing to visit. I wished I felt that way about visiting my parents but I just don't. It's awkward. My mom and I have always struggled with our relationship. What mother and daughter doesn't at some point, right? But ours is constant. Draining

I don't know how I turned down this road, but I think I want to head back to the sister wives conversation.

I am thinking about accepting Resumes for two sister wives. I could use the extra hands.

Think about it.

Eric is pretty hot.

Sizes 8 and under need not apply.

If you haven't had any children and your boobs are still perky and pointy you don't really need to waste your time.

If you shave your legs more than once a week then your application will PROBABLY get lost in the shuffle as well.

Hot stuff

2010-03-10T08:54:00.001-08:00

When in the H E DOULBE HOCKEY STICKS does this parenting this get easy and start, you know, kinda working for itself?

Apparantly I gave birth to the reincarnated Robin Hood. Except instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, he just decided to take and keep for himself?

A week before spring break.

Now I have to be the evil parent that cancels his spring break and play prison gaurd at home.

No you may not Ride your bike..sticky fingers.

No you may not go play at your friends.

No you may not watch TV.

I am sorry you are bored but you could be camping right now.

According to his teacher, "E has been quite the little TOOT the last couple of weeks."

This is on top of what we went to the school for this morning.

STEALING

LYING

Not a path I want my 9 year old on.

This is not easy. He is supposed to go camping with his great-grandparents. I spent every spring break camping with them and it is a tradition that they are trying to keep alive. I know that this time is so important. It breaks my heart to have to make this call.

For the Wagers of Nookie.

2010-03-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

Eric: "Honey, I still have time to take a nap before work and you KNOW what would help me sleep." (Nudge, nudge, eyebrow wiggles)

Marie: (frantically running around trying to clean up before bed)"Eric, if you will spend 15 minutes in here cleaning, then I will spend 15 minutes in the bedroom doing whatever you want."

Eric: "Well that's not really fair since I don't really NEED 15 minutes in there."

RIP

His funural arrangements are pending.

Put upon

2010-03-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

There are days in every ones life that they start to feel a little put upon.

Laundry is piled.

Dishes are piled.

Bills have to be mailed.

Baseball sign ups have to be completed.

Baby has to be fed, bathed, fed, sang to, FED.(Growth spurt..my poor boobies)

Baby wakes up at 4 AM and when you take him into the living room to see his daddy who doesn't sleep at night and is just SITTING there watching tv. So you think that maybe they can hang out and catch up on things that only people with penises talk about and you can go get another hour or so of sleep.

THEN you get the stink eye.

Like the tv can not in fact accommodate BOTH of them so you really need to take the kiddo back to bed and do whatever it is the two of you do at 4am.

You get a little pissy.

Well I get a little pissy.

I get a lot pissy in fact.

Pissy doesn't help me to sleep.

So I'm all shooting the stink eye from both my eyes.

I finally get back to sleep and what do you know the door opens and my boobs are needed AGAIN.

So I get up for the day.

I get ready for work.

I feed the baby his cereal.

Look around the house and think that my schedule sucks and I am going to be spending all weekend cleaning and that really sucks ass.

I get to work barely on time and remember a conference call that is about to start in five minutes. So I log into the call and forgo my usual cup of coffee and email checking. So sleepy.

But you know what turned my day around?

Eric had to clean this up.

I know I just posted my son's shit on the internet but yall, I have never felt so vindicated in my whole live long life.

Sprung from Winter.

2010-03-04T08:19:00.000-08:00

Come on Spring!

Get here already.

I am so over the cold.

I am sitting here thinking about all the things I miss out on in summer while the kiddo is out of school and I am sitting at my desk nosing around in YOUR lives and I was hit by a revelation.

I have two FULL days a week that I usually waste.

Saturday and Sunday are usually my- "Whah I worked all week and I just wanna sit at home and be lazy days." Or. "I have to spend all weekend cleaning because the males in my house (and me) live like monkeys during the week and I have to clean our cage."

Not this year.

I gotz me a schedule.

Tuesday I was really on the ball and did everything on my list and even went to bed with the kitchen completely clean.

Wednesday?

I sat on my monkey ass and watched the 3 episodes of Big Love and the season finale of Nip/Tuck.

I will start enjoying my weekends though.

Cage be damned.

Baseball is starting and I love to watch E play more than anything else in the whole wide world. I am super excited to be able to push baby boy in his stroller so he can watch too. We just finished basketball and he loved to watch E play but the weather was so bad all the time that he only got to watch a couple of games.

Come on spring. Lead us into flip flops and snow cones. Late evening walks and bbqs. Fishing. Swimming. Fresh produce. Shorts. Sunless Tanning (AMEN). Camping out in the backyard. Fire works. Popsicles.

Am I leaving anything out?

I plan to turn the TV off and enjoy my boys. I will leave the DVR on of course and just loose sleep watching my shows at night ahem.

What spring activity are you twitterpaters ready for??

cha cha cha chia.

2010-02-26T10:55:00.000-08:00

Well, the water is awful murky over here at my pad.

The weather.

Our Moods.

Spring can NOT get here soon enough.

E needs a hair cut. He looks a little like a reject from the cast of Annie. He refuses to fix it other than wet the middle front and use a glob of of hair gel to slick it down. The poor child has the thickest and hair and he dreams of having the new shaggy (yet cool) skater cuts everyone seems to have but he just starts looking more like a chia pet everyday.

Baby C had a rough night and you can see by his little eyes that he doesn't feel 100%

You can tell by my little eyes that sleep was not a success.

I think maybe he may be teething.

Eric may be getting his period.

Cause he is TERRIBLY bitchy.

I am not sure because I didn't really listen but it was something about how he didn't like to be told to shut-up and something about a farm-hand? I couldn't really hear over all my yelling and I was very sleepy so the details are a little foggy.

So to reiterate.

E needs pro-cuts

Baby C needs Orajel.

Eric needs Mydol.

I need a nap.

I probably could use the mydol too.

Eric might also need an icepack for the knot.

This Butts for you.

2010-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at my desk sleepily grazing through google reader when the phone rings.

"*Bobo's insurance company, how can I help you?"

Client: "I need to blah blah blah. And Could you hootie hootie blah blah"

I am kinda zoning back into google at this point. Sorry but we all do it occasionally and my boss walks by and asks:

"Is that Jim Beam?"

I silently mouthed yes and nodded my head.

"Will you ask him if he found my butt plate?"

Blink

"Mr. Beam, could you please hold on a second?"

"Ummm", I stammered. "Would you like to talk to him?"

"No. Just ask him."

"I, uh, Mr. Bobo..

Damn! He went into his office and shut the door.

I take a deep breath and pick up the phone.

"Mr Beam?"

"Yes?"

"Did you uh, happen to uh,"

Another deep breath

"Did you find Mr. Bobo's **butt plate"?

"Oh yeah. I was supposed to bring that when I brought the gun", he chuckled.

"Tell him don't worry that I will bring it".

"OK, Well is there anything else I could do for you today?"

"No mam, thank you for your time"

So I get up and go to his office to deliver the message.

I also now know what a butt plate is.

It's not near as embarrassing as it sounds but it is still very awkward to ask a client.

*Also all the names have been changed to protect the innocent AND for my amusement. Wouldn't it be funny to have a boss named Mr. Bobo? Almost as funny as the word butt plate.

**Google it.

Monday's musings.

2010-02-15T10:44:00.000-08:00

We need to talk. It's not me its YOU.

2010-02-12T15:15:00.001-08:00

Well. That's not entirely true.

I guess we have both changed. Me. I know I have gotten a little sloppy. I know that I don't pay as much attention to detail anymore. But really? Do you? You expect me to be the one to always be creative and spontaneous?

What about motivation?

I remember when I couldn't wait to get to you. I felt needed and wanted.

I need to be challenged. I need to know it is not ok to ignore my responsibilities. Hell I NEED responsibilities.

Others want me.

I know.

They have told me so.

I am just not happy anymore.

I need a new Job.

My hard earned photos

2010-02-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

First Photo. I wish I was looking at this from my couch in front of the fire, with a cup of hot cider.

My dog freezing her NUTZ off.

IITZ SNOWEEEEEEEENG

2010-02-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

Our sleepy little town is covered in a light blanket of snow. I am stuck at work looking out side wishing I could build an erotic snowman. My snowman would have huge pecks and be hung like a horse.

I wanted to send pictorial evidence of the snow, but you see, I am sorta lazy in the mornings and not a picture taker. Eric is the photo journalist of the family and he is on vacation this week, and every morning looks like a hungover college student.

Is he staying up at night partying like a rock star? Why no. He DOES however, have the best farm operation in facebook land and a quite impressive mafia.

I did finally get him to snap a picture but when he emailed it to me I was quite a taken back.

I was not up to his usual photogenic snuff.

It was rather grainy and looked as if someone licked the camera lens before snapping the picture.

I did request a new photo and I am patiently waiting.

He will probably make me preform so sort of sexual act for the photo, so if I am walking funny tomorrow I blame YOU.

Memories

2010-02-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

I lifted the chest and pulled out E's baby book. I flipped through the half written-half empty pages; reliving his precious first year...er six months that I wrote in the book.

Oh look he rolled over at four months.

His favorite book was "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

First foods

First smiles

My first born.

I then glance over guiltily at the fresh unmarked pages of Conner's book and sigh. I am already behind. As I pulled the book out and looked through the pages, I realized that time is flying and memories are not quite as sharp as the day I brought him home.

Newborn outfits don't quite look like the ever would have fit on his pudgy little body.

Last night as I was giving him a bath, his little hands were grabbing everything they could.

The soap bottle.

The sprayer nozzle on the sink.

Wash rag.

He splashes.

He laughs.

He is growing at an alarming rate.

How is it possible to record everything and preserve every memory for the next decade of his life.

4 months, 4 and a HALF MONTHS, ALMOST FIVE MONTHS????

It couldn't be.

Last night my eldest played his guitar for me while we sang songs.

He runs.

Talks.

ASKS GIRLS OUT.

Rides his bike down the street with his friends.

9 years, 9 and three QUARTER years, SOON WILL BE 10 YEARS.

So I write.

Furiously.

Trying to preserve every memory for them.

I am so blessed.

I get to be their mom. I get the bumble my way through awkward conversations, late dinners, household chores. Teaching them how to love and laugh. Struggling the thin line of holding them close and teaching them to fly.

Playing army in the dirt in the sand pile (hopefully it won't be filled with cat poop like last time). Riding bikes. Baseball. T-ball. Camp-outs. Match-box cars. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

This life is good.

This life is mine.

Why?

2010-02-05T06:39:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or does fondant suck?

It makes beautiful cakes.

It tastes just AWFUL.

Maybe it's just me, but I would have a great tasting cake that was not as perfect looking; not a beautiful cake that I couldn't eat.

I will stick to butter cream.

Thanks.

But wait! There's More!!

2010-02-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

Don't know why but I love this guy!

LOOK. AT. THAT.

Yummm. No need to explain.

Yeah, and then there is the whole awesome story line thing too.

Get LOST baby!!

2010-02-02T06:37:00.000-08:00

So who's getting Lost tonight?

I am so excited.

We are going to have a small family shin-dig; complete with tacos, queso dip. We have been waiting for this day for months and I hope we are not disappointed.

Ethan begged off basketball practice and I agreed. I mean, I would have to pause it to go get him and I just feel like that would ruin my whole Lost watching experience. His jump shot is just not THAT important yet.

Monday's

2010-02-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

Highlights: Got to work on time. Strong coffee. Good hair day.

Low lights: My boss said "Stinky Pinkie"(I died a little inside).

Other than that....

I had a pretty good weekend.

E is killing this basketball season with an undefeated record thus far. He has nailed a couple of fantastic shots that I am guessing are luck, but impressive none the less. I was afraid that he wouldn't follow through with the whole season especially after the rigorous 2 hour practices and suicides that his coach has them do, but he is always excited about it.

The thought of having to do even one suicide makes me want to puke in my 8Th grade gym shoes. I tried Athletics and I was half-way decent at volley-ball, but all I ever got out of basketball was a busted nose and two jammed fingers. One of those jammed fingers was when I was playing with myself.

I just reread that and I didn't mean PLAYING with myself. I was playing BASKETBALL with myself.

This post has turned out quite differently than I planned.

I don't even know where to go from here than to say my mom got married last week. Today is her one week anniversary to be exact. I haven't talked about it much because I was hoping it was a problem that would go away on its own and I am not usually one to pay attention to those kind of problems. Sadly the problem did NOT go away; instead it decided to become my step-father.

I don't KNOW that this is a bad thing. I am grown at least and have my own home where I can escape the insanity. 3 months. That is the time it took for an Internet relationship to blossom into a marriage. A marriage where my mother is the only one with an income. Where she had to purchase her own wedding ring (and his) and get up and go to work the next morning instead of a honeymoon. It could turn out to be something great for her, but right now, she deserved better than what she got.

I guess sometimes you gotta let go and let them grow up...

The tuff stuff

2010-01-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day in 4 1/2 months that I haven't spent lunch with my little man. I never realized how much difference and hour a day makes. My boobs ache and so does my heart.

Being a baby is such hard work.

Email Love

2010-01-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

Email I JUST received from Eric. Copy and pasted exactly as he wrote it.

FYI! Homemade applesauce makes NASTY 1st of the morning $hits ! Just thought you should know a$$hole.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Hee Hee. I guess being all frugal(lazy as I didn't want to go to the store)and making my own apple sauce for Conner backfired...literally.

Do you believe in life after love?

2010-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

Does anyone this Heidi Montag looks like Cher? I keep looking at her new face going, "She lookes like someone". Then I made the connection. Which is pretty sad. Not saying Cher isn't beautiful but come one she is a little long in the tooth for a young blond to run to the plastic surgeon waving her photo saying, "Ooooh make me look like her". Maybe it wasn't intentional but its still pretty freaky.

What do you give the guy who gives everything.

2010-01-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

6 years ago today, I had the pleasure of sharing a highly intoxicating fishbowl with the best friend that I had never had. That night as we stumbled..er walked hand in hand out of the bar..er "dancing place", I knew my life would never be the same.

Eric,

You are everything in my life that is good. I love you beyond anything I could ever express. You are the barney to my baby bop. My #1 and only one. You are my rock and even though I sometimes fail miserably I hope you know that I got your back.

You give to everyone and rarely take anything for yourself. I hope I can continue to learn from your example of compassion and strength and I hope our children grow up to be the man you are today.

I not only say all this because I haven't actually gotten you a present yet either. I mean, I HAVEN'T, but I mean it also.

Happy Birthday my dear love.

I hope this year takes it easy on your aging, weary, 10 years older than me, bones.

Last one today.

I. Promise.

Party like its 1999

2009-12-31T07:17:00.000-08:00

Fourteen days into 2009 (subsequently,Eric's birthday) we were overjoyed with an ounce of pee and a plastic stick. Panicked a week later when I was put on bed rest for what a appeared to be a threatened miscarriage. Each week as I grew a little person in my body, we learned more about ourselves and each other with each new step we took towards meeting our baby boy.

This whole year has been broken down into weeks as we approach the end or week 53, I can honestly say I will be sad to see the end.

I look back at the end of 2008 and the contrast is SCARY.

Faith and whole lot of luck brought us through 2008 and Hope rocketed us through 2009.

2009 made Eric and I a team. Just when I thought we couldn't be any closer, 8 pounds and 11 ounces added another layer of cement to our foundation. We work as one and its really pretty awesome. We are big piles of mush these days.

"Look he smiled"

"He waved, I don't think he means too, maybe he does, we must have a *genius baby".

Our family has come a long way baby.

I hope 2010 is packed with just as many memories.

A shit ton of smiles and only happy tears...

*The genius baby's mother couldn't spell genius..thanks spellchecker, you asshole.

Mooo

2009-12-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Everyday I sit in my vehicle pumping milk for the next day at work. I always wonder if someone is watching and knows what I am doing. I feel sorry for them if they are trying to catch a boob shot because the sight of my boobs would deter anyone who has never nursed a baby to start stocking up on formula NOW.

I am pretty happy about the way breast feeding is going though. I always said I would do it unless there was major problems or if it really hurt. I am a baby so sue me. I had a really ruff time feeding E and knew that I didn't want to go through that stress.

But I never had any trouble at all. No soreness or bleeding. Conner took to the boob like he knew exactly what to do. I have always had plenty of milk. Now that he is getting bigger I don't exactly have a freezer full but we always have enough for the next day. Nothing I eat seems to bother him and he has no trouble using a bottle during the day and then switching to me at night.

We have started cereal and stage 1 baby foods. My kid is hungry yo. I was going to wait until the 4 month mark but he started staring so intently at our food and MOVING his mouth like he was eating that I felt sorry for him. We started with a little cereal and he LOVED it. He even makes mmmm sounds. SO. CUTE.

Now we have cereal in the morning and a veggie at night and he still drinks about 30 ounces of breast milk a day.

So I guess we will keep plugging along like we are going until any problems like, umm, TEETH.

2009-12-29T19:33:00.001-08:00

Teen Mom on MTV makes me want to rip my eyeballs out every time I watch it, but for some reason I still have to watch. I just want to give them all a good spanking and not the good kind.

Christmas was great! We stayed home together for the whole holiday and if anyone wanted to see us they came here. I actually had dinner with both my parents and their significant others AT THE SAME TIME. It was a little awkward, but nothing a little wine and rum couldn't handle.

I haven't talked about it much but my parents divorce kinda screwed me up a little. I was 23 and thought my parents would be together forever. Sure they argued from time to time and couldn't exactly be called the Cleavers, but my dad loved my mom, my mom loved my dad.

I am not really sure what all happened, but I do know that I was put in the middle of the divorce and learned WAY too much about the problems in their marriage.

They are now rebuilding THEIR lives with new WEIRDO love and I am left trying to have a relationship with them and their new WEIRDO lovers. It's fun.

Hopefully one day we will work out the kinks and I will feel like I actually HAVE parents that want to be there for me. Who not only worry about themselves and their happiness, but actually give a rats ass about my feelings. I guess I should just be happy that I got to grow up before they decided to go crazy or I don't know who would have taken care of me.

Despite the quirky relationships, I am happy that I got to spend Christmas with both of them. I do love them. Very much.

I do have parents though. I have another mom who is my best friend and confidant. Who doesn't judge me and offers advice HELPFULLY and not HURTFULLY. She is beautiful and awesome and I love her. She didn't give birth to me but she did give birth to my husband so I get her by default and I am very lucky.

My other Dad is pretty great too. He cooks for me when I am sick and loves and takes care of my children. He's got my back and I love him.

So I hope everyone had a great Christmas and enjoyed putting up with your wacky relatives. Here's to New Years. The holiday were it is expected of you to walk around with a drink in your hand.

So this woman walks into a..

2009-12-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the dream where you walk into work naked?

Yeah, me too.

I walked into my office today running late getting back from lunch (as usual).They were waiting on me to get back as they needed some papers on my desk for a customer. So everyone was looking at me when I walked in the door.

I breeze in and everyone is just staring.

I look down and what do I have in my hand?

My portable breast pump.

I had been in a hurry when I jumped in the car and I guess I never sat it down I just had it in my hand while I was driving. So when I got out of the car I just carried it into work with me. I usually pump in my car in the afternoon since my office is so small that there is really no place for me to go.

Geeeod that sucks. So, do you think they knew what it was? I mean, the bell on it all but has a sign that says, "Put boobie here".

I shoved it under my desk as quickly as possible. Trying to only look a little mortified. Now it is sitting under my desk with my coat on top of it.

I forgot my purse so It looks like I will be carrying out the way I brought it in.

GAH! It's a good thing this is a short week.

Party Planner

2009-12-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

I just adore people that can take a picture and capture a story or a feeling. The lighting is always perfect and even just a simple picture of a hand can make you weepy. My husband is one of those people.

He can take a pic of the kids that make me feel warm and fuzzy and I can stand in the exact same spot just seconds later and take the SAME shot and it is just a picture.

I spent 30 minutes trying to practice taking pictures of the baby while he was sleeping and I just couldn't get it right.

Then I forgot my camera completely when I went to E's Christmas party.

I think that is going to be one of my New Years resolutions is to get more familiar with my camera and not let so many moments pass me by.

Yesterday E was the little baby snoozing in my bed or so its feel like it. But no, that was 9 years ago. Nine years from today I hope I remember my new sons soft chubby cheek, covered with his chubby little hand while sleeping peacefully just as vividly as if I would have captured it perfectly on my camera.

I hope when E walks across the stage to receive his diploma, that I remember the scowl from his little pre-preteen face when I absent-mindedly kissed him on the top of his head, in front of all his friends at his Christmas party today. Also, I want to remember the little smile following the scowl that told me he secretly liked it.

I also hope the mother the made the pigs in a blanket remembers to use crescent rolls next time and wasn't too offended when E told the class that mine were so much better. But I hope that he knows that even though I gave him THAT LOOK, I secretly appreciated the complement.

And you really should use crescent rolls when you make pigs in a blanket..they are better.

'O' Yeah

2009-12-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Reebok,

While laying in bed eating my Pizza Collision Doritos and drinking my sweet tea and watching Friends, I saw your commercial for these:

I have to know do they really make your ass look better? Really?

Do they really tone up your legs while you are just casually walking around the house or do you have to use them to hike and run? I mean will they work just being on my feet? Like if I put them on and just stood they poking my ass out like the lady in the commercial. Are they working then?

What about when I am watching tv?

I need to know this before I make the purchase.

At a hundred bucks I need to know that they will do what you say in the commercial. If I can get my butt to look HALF as good as the lady in the commercial then we can get Eric on board. If not I am just going to buy another pair of $45 Adidas

Thank you in advance for appeasing my inquiring mind. Oh yeah, do those little black shorts she wears come with the purchase? If so, I am going to need a little bit bigger size than she is wearing I am sure. After all she OBVIOUSLY has already been wearing her shoes quite a bit.

Sincerely,
Marie at That Special Water.

Dear Frito-Lay,

Because of your Pizza Collision Doritos, I have to order special ass toning shoes. Enclosed is a bill for $50.00.

I am only holding you half responsible for the spreading as I am sure I am half at fault for eating said chips. Its takes two, Frito-Lay, that I know. If you didn't make your Pizza Collision Doritos SO Delicious and now EASIER TO FIND, then we would not be having this conversation.

I need payment by Christmas but if you can't handle the claim by then I will take the money no later than Jan 1st because I don't really see myself worrying TOO much about ass until then.

Thanks so much,
Marie at That Special Water.

The shit that runs through my head

2009-12-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

I am so glad that Conner's poop schedule is so that I don't have to change those blowouts. (Thank you Nana)

My grandfather sorta looks like Hugh Hefner and he is a minister. I wonder if anyone else has ever noticed that?

I can't wait to go see Christmas lights tonight.

I wonder if we will have to pull over so I can breast feed.

It's weird how I don't think anything about whipping out a tit in front of Eric's dad.

I would never do that in front of my own dad.

I think it would be weird to breast feed if I had a daughter.

We call Conner a boob man.

That's just weird.

Christmas

2009-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

15 days till Christmas and I have bought exactly 3 gifts and a few stocking stuffers. I don't feel guilty. I don't feel the anxious about no gifts under the tree. I feel peace.

It's not really about the money even though with being off of work with NO maternity leave pay has left us kind of low on cash, its because our family has everything we could ever need.

Sure there are still some "Santa" gifts to buy but for the most part I am just enjoying the holiday for what it is supposed to be.

The tree is up and our lights outside are beautiful (thanks babe). We are watching Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate. We went and saw Santa. My children and husband will get time from me this Christmas. Love, hugs and kisses. We will not over schedule ourselves and get crazy about where we go and who we see. There will be no expensive electronics or hot toys that will be forgotten by January, but I hope the memories we give them will last through the year.

My plans are to spend time with E this weekend making cookies and family gifts in our kitchen and family game night.

Next weekend Eric and I will spend Saturday shopping for all of our Christmas gifts we plan to buy while Conner spends the day and night(gulp) with his grandparents and Sunday I will watch E sing in the Christmas play at his church.

This Christmas I feel complete.

Six Shooter

2009-12-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

Continued from here

So as everyone ELSE enjoying their pizza I am playing with my Chicken's bath water. Eric offered me a bite of his pizza and I thought one little bite won't do anything so I partook. Ok it wasn't a little bite so much as half a slice but I did consume it in one bite so that counts right?

I still felt great. No pain, but no gas either.

I napped a little.

Then walked.

Drank more sprite and ate more ice chips.

Then after night nurse left and the baby and Eric were sleeping I had a teeeny little cookie.

Still felt great.

The next morning I am in the bathroom showering and I come out to a covered dish. Eric and the nurse were talking and I thought I am not touching that shit they probably dipped an egg in water and expect me to eat that. But as I got closer I realized it was EGGS, BACON, BISCUITS, JELLY, BUTTER. I start to get the tray ready and the nurse says, "That is your husbands plate since he gets one meal."

BLINK BLINK

"What?" Where is Marie's bacon and eggs?!?!?!

You still can't eat if you have not passed gas. Have you?

"Yes, Yes I did".

"Are you sure?" (I am a totally bad liar) I hung my head in shame and said "NO, I still can't go but I feel great so I think I could handle some eggs."

"I can't give you anything your doctor insists that you pass gas first. You can ask him when he makes his rounds but let me give you something in your iv that might help you along. Keep eating your ice chips and drinking.

The Dr. came in and was checking me out and I was all I feel fine. Just don't have any gas.

You pass gas or no eat (My Dr is Korean, and I have no clue how to do a Korean accent in print so just imagine him talking in Korean.mmkay? Its funnier that way)

"Very important you pass gas".

"What happens if I don't?" I asked.

"You will"

"If I don't?"

"No food"

"So what if I don't pass gas and eat. What would happen?"

"You could get distended bowel"

I did not like the sound of that.

"We have to put tube down your throat or open you back up".

I REALLY didn't like the sound of that. Cue pure terror on my face.

Dr. left I started feeling rumblings in my tummy.

Then the first gas pain hit.

"HOLY MOTHER OF FRANCES THAT HURT" I huffed.

Then all hell broke loose. I started crying hysterically.

"Its the PIZZA AND THE COOKIES. I am getting distended bowel and I am going to DIIIIE".

"Conner won't have a mother because I couldn't listen to my Dr."

It was bad. I have never in my life felt pain like that. The nurse came in and everyone was instruct out of the room. My eyes were glazed over and I was loosing my shit people. Almost out of it so much that I didn't see the bag the looked surprisingly similar to the enema bag that assaulted me with the day before. ALMOST. "Wait, What's that".

I stopped my fit and locked eyes with my nurse and said "Please tell me that is not what I think it it."

She didn't back down, the scrappy little thing. "You have trapped gas"

I had NEVER heard that term but I didn't like it.

"We are hoping the enema will help you release it".

At this point I was in so much pain and in no position to plead or bargain so I did what I could do to assume the position. She not only administered the WHOLE bag but then had to ROLL me from side to side. It was the most undignified thing. EVER.

Happy ending though.

The gas was released and I am here to blog about it.

Funny asside. Did you know that the ice chips at the hospital have air blown in them? Yeah they do that for a reason. Ice chips ARE THE DEVIL.

Don't pop the bubble wrap.

2009-12-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

"Do NOT pop the bubble wrap in the front seat because I need that".

"Oooooh, we have bubble wrap?"

"Marie, I am serious. Don't."

This is a permanent character flaw for me. When someone says do not do something, well, that's really all I think about doing. Why Eric doesn't KNOW this after 6 years I have no clue. As I drove to work this morning I stared at the tempting, air filled bubbles, just waiting to be popped. To make matters worse I get stopped by a train. I am not going to say that ALL the bubbles remained in tact, but Eric should still be able to ship his package safely...

I do have a point here. This post is not all about bubble wrap. No. It's really about farting. Put your honey bun down because this will probably get just a little graphic.

The Baby C (we still need a nickname) was scheduled to be born Sept 16th at 7:30 am. Thank the Lord I didn't have to wait for the second delivery slot which was at 11:30. I was not allowed to eat anything after midnight.

Now due to my very rebellious issues and the fact that I was on an eat every time my mouth opened schedule, I was worried about the lack of food that would NOT be shoveled into my fat pregnant gullet.

I wasn't worried about being cut open or rearranged in my gut region. I was worried about getting hungry and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

We had a lovely dinner of endless shrimp at Red Lobster the night before the surgery followed by a small chocolate milkshake at around 10pm. When I went to bed I was GOOD. The following morning however, I was STARVING. My body didn't know it was going through major surgery. The baby didn't KNOW he was entering the world to suckle at my TOTALLY AWESOME SWEET MILKING PRODUCING BOOBIE. We were hungry. THE END.

I made it through the surgery so good and everything was great. I felt so good and didn't REALLY need to pain shot. I totally took it anyway because HELLO, long time since I have had anything stronger than a TYLENOL and maybe, just maybe it would make me forget about my hollow belly.

The nurse finally came in and offered me ice chips and sprite and said, "Let us know when you pass gas". People if I knew then what I know now I would have sat up in my bed and bitch slapped that ho into the Christmas holiday.

I crunched my ice chips and drank my sprite like I had been walking through a desert with a horse with no name (try to get that song out of your head now I dare you) and wondered do I need to toot? No, I don't think so.

When the numbness wore off I decided to try out my sea legs a bit and also was told that that would help me stimulate a fluff so that I could get some dinner. I still was in NO PAIN. I walked all over the hospital. Down to the nursery to compare the cuteness of the other babies which I have to tell you, either it was a slow day or there were just no other babies created that day that compared to mine. I got back to my room and nothing not even a squeak of a fart.

So I settled in with my little cutie pie and napped and chatted with visitors and tried to forget about my hunger pains. At supper they brought broth. BROTH. Juices from a boiled chicken. Liquid. "This is all you can have until you pass gas doctors orders". As I am sitting there eating,and I use this term loosely, my husbands buddy brought in pizza for me. If that was not enough to burst into a sobbing fit my mommy had brought me m&m cookies to eat after the birth and my grandmother had brought brownies. I am not a total fat kid but I had not partaken in any of those treats for the past 5 months and I was ready to get my sugar induced grub on.

As I stared at the melty cheese and smelled the sausagy goodness I thought "What would one little bit hurt".

Stayed tuned for part two of "What it hurt"

First and Last Santa Visit

2009-12-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

We went and saw Santa today.

E reluctantly agreed to see Santa one last time. He has already informed me that he is pretty sure about the whole Santa story but still wants to believe in the "magic" of Christmas. When Santa asked what he wanted this year he looked straight at me and said, "A GOOD mountain bike, a really good one".

I knew it was coming and I am pretty sure he was questioning it last year so it wasn't that big of a suprise. He mailed a letter today and I forgot to get it out of the mailbox before the postman came, but the letter was gone when we got home so I need to thank our mail carrier I guess.

I always sneek the letter our and put it in my jewlery box. He found his last letter to the tooth fairy and told me about it so I stopped leaving money under his pillow. So, I bet if he finds the Santa letter he won't say a thing.

The baby was so cute with Santa. He wasn't scared at all and even smiled for the picture. I would post a picture but I am still not sure just how much I want to post that would identify me and my kids. I like having a place to post my thoughts annonymously. I am still trying to figure out a good blog name for the baby. I call him boo bear, stinker boo, suger booger, and any other rediculas name I can come up with because well, I am a nutcase and he is so stinking cute.

The real post

2009-12-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry about yesterday I accidentally hit publish and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to come up with a post. Do you know how many times I have sit down at my computer to post? Its on my mind all the time. Even Eric is asking when I am going to blog again.

The truth is I want to put up the really profound post explaining how we are mystified by the new little creature the fills our days and nights. How I can't believe we survived the last 5 years without his little warm body snuggled up against us when he is sleeping.

I can't put into words how all the epic fails in our lives don't seem to matter when we look at his smile.

When we settle down in the rocker at night to nurse before bed I just stare at his wonderful blue eyes and everything is right.

I could go on and on about how wonderful this baby is. He is a champion sleeper. Always wakes with a smile. He is a great nurser. Chooses to chill in his bouncer or swing and look at things rather than be held. But. Its just doesn't look like much when I read it back to myself.

No words can describe how incredibly blessed I am to have my two boys and my INCREDIBLE husband.

How do show happy in black and white?

Maybe this will help.

Con*ner Er*ic.
Born September 16th, 2009
8 pounds 11(and a half) ounces. (I told you he would be a hoss.)
Wonderful uncomplicated birth.
Scary gas (for me) the day after, followed by a very humbling enema that deserves it's OWN post. Seriously. AWFUL.

Mom, Dad, and brother couldn't be more proud.

That's what it's all about

2009-12-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

The mother of all updates.

2009-08-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

Lets see. Where were we?

Oh yea,

I am fixing to have a BABY in 3 weeks. I am not sure how things went so quickly and it makes me sad in a way because, honestly? Even with the 100 degree heat I have had the best time with my little boy. Every day I still feel lucky. Every day I still thank God. Every day my heart swells at the sight of my husband preparing for his son. Every day I smile at my stretch marks.

I am thankful and there is no other way to say it.

E turned 9 this week and meets his third grade teacher today. I will take him to class with his school supplies today as he would rather die than have me walk him in on his first day. He is growing up so fast and is in between holding mom's hand and letting go and I am stuck in between holding him close and loosening my grip. It's a bittersweet time for us. He is going to be an amazing big brother and has been a big help in getting things ready. He puts his head up to my stomach and waits for his brother to kick him in the head which he ALWAYS does.

I have been pretty hormonal this week hence this sappy post.

END SAPPY

I am hungry y'all!

I mean like greasy cheeseburger hungry. 1 dozen doughnuts hungry. Dairy Queen Snickers Blizzard Hungry. Whole box of froot loops hungry.

I haven't been this bingeful minded since the days of the p*t.

Gestational Diabetes?

She sucks big fat hairy goat balls dipped in fat free soy milk.

I think I have done pretty well with it though. I have only gained 10lbs this whole pregnancy and the baby is measuring right on target. My sugar levels have been under control and if I cheat I try to be smart about it. I am pretty bad about taking bites of my family's stuff though.

The other night we went out to eat for E's birthday and he had Fries and Blossom Strips on his plate and Eric had mashed potatoes and the other side. I have been staying clear of potatoes because they really shoot my sugar up. Eric's mom started laughing and we looked and E had moved all his fries on the other side of his plate under his hamburger to get them away from my picking fingers. I mean, who takes their son's french fries off his plate on his birthday? His deprived 8 month pregnant starving mom, that's who. I had also been eating Eric's potatoes on the other side when he wasn't looking. I am starting to crack under the low carb pressure.

Well I gotta go meet the other woman is my kiddo's life for the next year.

Later Gators.

Rude awakening

2009-08-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

They get really pissed when you push the vibrate button.

On the Fast Track

2009-07-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Due to the severe drought we are experiencing in my great state, it is very uncommon to wake up to cooler weather and a wet patio. While taking my dog out to pee I decided to have a seat on the patio furniture while on lunch. As soon as I set down I realized my mistake.

My pants were soaked!

Not wanting to miss my chance at a golden opportunity for pure comic relief.

I waddled to the bedroom and may or may not have loudly shouted that my water broke. My poor husband may have been sleeping, having worked a 12 hour shift the night before.

He may have jumped 5 feet in the air clutching his chest.

He may have called me a couple of ugly names, that I totally deserved, when he realized I was joking.

But!

That was some funny shit, y'all.

60 days!!!!!!!!

2009-07-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

Or just about anyway. I will have a scheduled c-section so I know I will go earlier than my due date. Wowza! Right now the babies room is waiting for carpet and paint and my baby's stuff if taking up half the living room. I am starting to get a little antsy, but I have been so busy I can't seem to get anything done at home.

Last week both of my grandfathers started having health problems and we spent most of the week visiting both of them. One of them needed a pace maker and the other is being treated for congestive heart failure and pneumonia. I think that for the most part both of them are out of the woods but I do worry about them. Also, my grandmother is in the hospital today having tests on her heart to check for blockage. So if you pray, please give a little shout out for her.

I know that I am very fortunate to still have both sets of grandparents and I want so much for my children to be able to have the same relationship with them that I was blessed with.

I am feeling pretty good for the most part. I just have to watch the heat since it averages about 105 every freakin day. I feel so sweaty and gross most of the time.

I am going crazy worrying about my gestational diabetes. I was doing really well staying within the numbers they wanted until this week and they have been a little high. Not terrible just a little elevated. I rarely ever go over 150 but have occasionally. My doctor says all is fine and my numbers look great so I just keep doing my best.

I am a little obsessive about it and the stress and worry I am doing is probably worse than the actual diagnosis. I have even read that there are many studies about gestational diabetes not even being a real disease. I don't want to hurt my baby but I also don't want to take a bunch of medicine that could be avoided. I don't even take Tylenol if I can avoid it. I was not offered any classes or anything and was only given a written diet that is pretty darn confusing. The only food that really makes my sugar crazy is cereal and that happens to be what I want all the time. I dream about it. Crave it. I have tried all kinds and the lowest reading I got was with fruity pebbles. No, I am not still eating them. But I want to.

I have hardly gained any weight since being diagnosed and I eat what I want just limiting white bread and I have cut out all sweets. I always make sure I eat some sort of salad, vegetable, or fruit with my food and am trying to eat a lot of protein and fiber too.

I have started making a list of things I plan on eating once my womb is vacant again but since I have started loosing inches and toning up, I might just stick to this. Maybe..don't hold me to it.

I did learn that they make sugar-free Oreos.

I have yet to find them :(.

If any of you have any information on diabetes or good recipes I would love to hear about them!

Dear Baby

2009-06-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

I know you don't know what kick counts are, but they are something that mommy has to do everyday to make sure that you are staying healthy in there. You are always a champ at kick counts. You rock my belly every morning from about 9:30 to 12:00 and then take a nice long nap until the afternoon where you start your acrobatics again.

Imagine my suprise and dismay when Sunday morning I didn't hear a peep out of you during kick count time. Imagine my utter horrer when I only got a couple of movements out of you Sunday night and nothing again Monday morning.

Yes I did get to listen to your heartbeat and see your cute little body in the extra sonogram that we got when you STILL refused to move in the Dr.'s office. And we did have a relaxing hour at the hospital while being hooked up to monitors that I am just sure you didn't like since you kept hiding all over my stomach.

The kicker here, my dear little boy, is that APPARENTLY you have decided to do your martial arts at night while I am sleeping. And sleep during kick count time.

Your father did kick count time last night at 1:00(am) and I slept through it.

Its fine now but I need to let you know that Mommy is not very pleasant to be around at 1(am) so If we could get back on the lovely schedule of playtime being at 10(AM) I would VERY much appriciate it.

I love you so very much and cant wait for kick counts when I can see your cute chubby legs flying through the air coupling with a couple of grins.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. If you really like 1(am), its ok. We will just make Daddy stay home and play with you since he is a night owl too.

Pin cushion

2009-06-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

Updated... I decided I knew more than my doctor and had a cookie. Bad idea, my blood sugar shot up to 145..oops.

I, Marie at That special water, will hold what my doctor tells me true to my little bitty heart..amen.

I wan't another cookie :(.

Y'all see my baby over there? He is getting pretty cute. I hope he looks like his dad. My husband had the bluest eyes and most handsome face and I am so excited to see his son. We have a name picked out but I am still not sure I want to share it on here but just know that it is a good one. I can tell you that his middle name is not Maximus or Optimus, Eric. I think that we have the middle name but I am not sure as Eric is changing his mind. I really don't mind what he chooses as long as it has no reference to "Transformers" or "Iron Man".

E is still at his dad's and will hopefully be home Monday. I say hopefully because technically his dad has until July 1st to keep him but in the past we have always just split up the summer by weeks instead. E made it very clear that he wanted to come home after a week so maybe his father will play nice and do what is best for his son. I miss him so much when he is gone but as he grows I know that he is having a good time and being active and that better than sitting around playing video games all summer. My grandparents are taking him camping next week and he also has boyscout day camp coming up.

I am pretty sure that I do NOT have GD. I have checked my blood sugar all day while eating my diet plan and my sugar was great if not a little low. Since I am not drinking a bottle of pure sugar everyday I feel that I do not have to be worried about controlling the levels. I don't know all there is to know about GD but I would think that I would have gotten a high reading at least once since I started checking myself right? Before I failed the second test I had half a pan of rice krispy treats (shut-up) and my sugar didn't even spike. So, instead of making myself crazy I am going to make healthy eating decisions (most of the time) and continue to monitor my blood sugar levels and will take action if I see a problem.

Well I have bored you beautiful people quite enough so run out and find a funny blog to get the bad taste out...

Love ya!!

F

2009-06-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

I got gestational diabetes.

Shit

Damn

Mother

Fucker

Too Much Tuesday

2009-06-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

Well my camping trip ended abruptly when I overheated while cooking breakfast Saturday morning. I started feeling weak and dizzy and so we called it a weekend and went home to enjoy the air conditioning.

I am having trouble with my breathing. I am not sure it the baby is positioned funny and crowding my lungs or what. After eating I feel like I can take a full breath and it really freaks me out. I also have a pretty fast heart beat.

I got for my 3 hour screen tomorrow so today I am really trying to watch my carbs and praying that I don't fail that test. If I do I will make the appropriate changes to my diet but I feel super cheated. I have not ate anywhere near the amount of ice cream I was planning on for summer yet!

I am having trouble with Ethan's father about visitation again. We always have issues in the summer.

We agree on something and then he gets mad and changes to hurt me. He doesn't realize that he is only hurting E.

I found out that he is leaving E home alone with two other 9 year old little boys and his 12 year old adopted sister. I am in no way comfortable with this. I have googled everything imaginable and also called cps to see what Texas laws are on leaving your child home alone and from what I can gather, there is no legal age. I think that 4 children under the age of 12 left unsupervised all day is asking for trouble. However, I have to release my child to him since the papers say I do.

Oh and the decision to leave the home alone is not because they are poor and can not afford child care. It's because he is super cheap and can get free childcare out of this little girl that grew up taking care of her real brothers and sisters at the ripe age of 4. She has never had a childhood to speak of. I feel that she is responsible and could be trusted to stay home alone, but even I would have trouble with three 9 year old little boys.

I was told as a consolation that if something did happen that I would not be held responsible since he is not in my care.

Tell me what the hell it would matter if I was "responsible" or not. I would have to live with the decision to "obey" the rules and forgo my judgement and instincts, if something happened to my son.

What would you do?

Oh and did I mention that one of the children have special needs?

Joint custody sucks.

At least someone misses mom

2009-06-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Maken Bacon

2009-06-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Since I don't get a paid maternaty leave and want to save all my vacation and sick time to have with the baby, I have to work today while my family is at the lake. I did spend last night out there and drove in this morning.

We are off to a terribly bumpy start.

My hormones are off, or its too hot out there, or Eric's displaying some dickiness, or E's being difficult.

Not sure.

We are just having trouble.

Eric and I fought last night, and E and I this morning.

We forgot pillows and a fan. We also brought a twin air matress thinking it was a full or queen. This morning I took a cold shower because I couldn't figure out how to work the temperature and didn't get it until the shower was over.

Anybody have any suggestions other than don't go tent camping when you are going on seven months pregnant?

I wanted this so badly.

I just hope that we can get it together and enjoy this little summer get away.

We were the park entertainment last night I am sure.

If you saw a fat lady screaming at her husband and calling him a dumbass then you saw my family at our finest.

Ding Dang Damn

2009-06-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

I failed my 1 hour glucose test. This has been the one thing that I have been worried about as I am quite a bit heavier than I was the last time around.

I had my father in law check my sugar yesterday from his personal kit and it was good. Well since I ate a whole pan of rice krispy treats in the previous 24 hours, I figured I was good to go. Fast forward to this moring. I did exactly as instructed and drank my little drinky drink, waited an hour and went to get poked(heh heh).

186

It's supposed to be under 140. It was 114 yesterday.

I have to go to the hospital and get the 3 hour test done.

I think I am going to do the test again at home since I still have the stuff left and see what result I get.

Public Service Announcement.

2009-06-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

Beware Of Snakes
Thanks to all the rain this spring...you may be seeing more snakes around your property. Wildlife control officials say the combination of wet weather and the start of the snakes' mating season means the critters are on the move. Experts say snakes are actually beneficial, working to control the rodent population. They say most snakes in North Texas are harmless -- except for water moccasins, copperheads and rattlesnakes.

This was a bulleton on our local online daily news. I find it pretty funny. What other snakes are the in East Texas? They should have said don't worry about the rat snakes or grass snakes but anything else..run like hell.

I almost stepped on one last summer when we were fishing in a creek. Eric was messing with me and I jumped back (almost directly on a snake). I still shudder thinking about it.

I have been wanting to go camping forever so I will brave the snakes so that I can sit outside and read and drink sun tea and fish and play dominoes and eat powdered sugered doughuts and fish and anything else I can do sitting or laying down in my lawn chair.

The greatest thing of all is that since my stomach is on the verge of scaring small children, I don't have to do anything but show up. Eric and E will have it all ready when I arrive at camp. Pretty awesome!!

Summer

2009-06-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

I want to have summer break with E. We could play outside and eat popsicles. Read books and go to the park and fish and swim. Basically I just want to be free to sit on my ass till the baby is born.

I don't think I have ever missed summer vacation as badly as I do right now.

That smile

2009-06-02T07:56:00.001-07:00

I don't normally post pictures of my kiddo on here but hopefully if someone was to stumble upon my blog and knows us personally they would give me the courtesy of pretending it doesn't exist.

E had an awards assembly this morning and due to schedule conflicts at work It looked like I was not going to be able to go. He was receiving an award and was a little bummed. Eric went to video and I told E that I would make a special dinner and we would all watch it tonight.

Of course at about 8:45 the mommy guilt started and I sat here thinking about him walking across the first of many stages in his life and accepting an award for one of the many accomplishments we hope to see him make.

I grabbed my purse at 8:50 and flew out the door. I sped like a maniac scared to miss this little milestone.

I parked and ran (hobbled) down the sidewalk for what seemed like a mile. Speed walked into the cafeteria and made it just in time for his teacher to call his name.

I clapped with pride and watched my little man puff in chest in pride and half hug his teacher and principal.

When he looked back and saw us sitting there with our chests puffed with pride I got the smile.

A boyish grin and a small wave.

I will do just about anything for that smile.

On my way to budha belly

2009-06-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

While getting ready for work I am thinking who in their right mind would make tapered leg maternaty pants. Also, who in their right mind would buy said pants. Me, thats who. I was not paying attention as I snagged them off the rack at the thrift shop. I am sitting here wishing that I had thrown them back in my closet but instead I wore them and everytime I get up they stick to my calves, making me have to jiggle my fatty legs to make them come down where they are supposed to be. It's as unflattering as it sound. I. Promise.

Next, the maternaty swimmy suit. I chose the Tankini style and I have to say I am SUPER happy with the boobage cover however, the one that covered so great up top has teeny tiny bottoms. The problem with this is the lack of visual confirmation that the lawn has been properly mowed. Do you get me? I did try. Worked and worked in the blind this and this is what I got:

Eric finally decided to help but who can feel relaxed while someone is taking a razor to your delicate girly bits while laughing so hard they are crying?

I am just going to wear shorts with my tankini from now on.

My Nirvana

2009-05-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

Dear baby boy,

When I feel you move in my belly my whole world stands still and I involuntarily hold my breath. For that second, its just you and I. Thank you for letting me know you are there.

Love,
Mom

Dear MR. Employer and economy

2009-05-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

I have a little boy that is setting in his bed with stomach cramps from the virus he had yesterday wishing that his mom could stay home with him today. At 8 years old there are not very many moments left when he will look at his mommy and say "Can you stay with me?"

Dear Mr. Employer and Economy, do you know what I had to tell him?

Mr. Employer, you do, since I am sitting at my desk typing right now.

Due to being on bed rest for a week and having to miss a few extra days for sickness for son or Dr. appointments I am out of paid time off.

Due to the crappy economy I can neither afford nor feel comfortable staying at home lest my great sales job be in danger and I may not be able to find another one as I am 5 months pregnant.

So here I set PISSED OFF. I bet I get a whole ton of work done today, what do you think? Me neither, my guess is that I sit here and blog all damn day and call my son every 20 minutes. The jokes on you.

Fiber-Con

2009-05-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman(Slyde),

I got *benefibered today.

*Definition of benefibered: When your husband dumps benefiber, by the TABLESPOON(s), into your orange juice without your knowledge because that is the ONLY way you will take it, tasteless of not. Then you find out and sit at your desk in fear that he used too much and that your ass is going to explode.

19 Weeks

2009-04-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Long time no post.

I don't suppose I have a good reason why I am not blogging. I guess I am just trying to soak up my experiance and enjoy it all to myself. Does that make sense? I am so amazed at the changes taking place in our lives as we get ready for this baby.

Eric and I are slowly letting out our breath with relief and each day passes and the baby keeps growing.

Everyone was so sure this was going to be a little girl but me. I just couldn't wrap my head around a girl. Eric was so sure it was a girl it made it great that I was right and he was wrong. E got to go with us at the ultrasound and he was so excited that he got what he wanted.

My moods have been a little crazy and I am trying to keep myself in check and Eric has only had to sleep on the couch once so I think things are going pretty well.

I am so happy and while I know this I still feel a tiny blue and I feel terrible putting on here. I should be pissing sweet tea and shitting rainbows and never utter one complaint right?

So I just don't blog because I am so super scared that I am going to say something stupid or insensitive. However, the problem with this is I am loosing my outlet. So I really undecided about how to proceed with my blogging experience.

I haz guilt.

Dont get Testie...

2009-04-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

I know I suck and haven't blogged and commmented, but hate me later cause:

I'M HAVING A BOY!!!!!!!

Somebody slap me

2009-03-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

I am just a big gooey pile of nerves today. If it can be worried about I have thought about it today.

As I approach my SECOND TRIMESTER(WTF!!!), time seems to be slipping away. 1 whole part of my pregnancy will be history as of Sunday. I can HEAR TICKING PEOPLE! I created a master list of things that needed to be done and holleee shit did I not need to do that.

Home repair, taxes, baby room, finances, animal care/training, cleaning, bills, money, dollars, pennies, lack of money ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, maternity leave, c-section.

See?

I have already ruined Eric's day off by worrying so much that he is at home worrying and playing demolition to the bathroom.

Logically, I know that everything is going to be fine. I did this before when I was barely considered an adult. I have a wonderful husband we own our home and have jobs and money. I didn't have any of this before so I know everything is going to be ok.

I need to burn the master list all it did was put me in a shitty mood.

My Dr. is hell bent on performing a c-section and I feel strongly that given my knowledge on things now and highter maturity level and the length of time between births that I could safely try to give the baby a natural birth.

Does anyone have any insight on vbacs(vaginal births after cecerean?) I want the experiance and the birth classes.

I was induced before my due date with E and honestly? I don't feel like he was ready and that affected the birth process. I was also considerably smaller then and I think that now that I have done all the spreading I am hopefully ever going to do that I should at least be able to try.

Wordless Wednesday (Hungover edition)

2009-03-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

Uncooth

2009-03-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does my widget baby look like he has a huge peen? I can help it, everytime I look at it that is what I see. I need help.

Oh yeah, the mouse ate my cookies. That fucker is goin down. I am buying glue traps tomorrow and PETA? Well, you can kiss my ass.

So Worth the Wait

2009-03-03T04:34:00.000-08:00

Who's your sucky blogger

2009-02-27T06:50:00.000-08:00

So, raise your hand if you have had a sick child this week and totally fell short on your ICLW responsibilities.

Marie: Me, Me, Me!!!!

I am sorry I do hope to get back into the swing of things.

This virus that E has will not die. He will get better and instantly have a 101 fever all over again. He has missed 3 days of school and this is the first time he has missed all year. He is never sick and so when he is I tend to go overboard. You name the symptom and he has had it. I have used a whole can of Oust, hoping to kill all the germs I can, but I feel a good cleaning is in order..joy.

I have been reading when I can and commenting and I am probably not that far behind but I feel that my blog is suffering.

eh, I have never been an over achiever so I guess you have to take what you get.

And so it begins

2009-02-24T06:47:00.000-08:00

“Well, I used to tell my husband that we could be professional baby makers. I wasn’t sick a day. I wore my pregnancies beautifully and most people didn’t even know I was with child until about 7 months. I had more energy than usual and my house never looked better. I just don’t know what it would feel like to have morning sickness or pains! I guess some people just handle it better than others.”

Bite me, grandma!

The Hunger

2009-02-18T07:19:00.000-08:00

I would like to dedicate this post to food and crazy dreams. I don't know if I have forgotten the weird pregnancy stuff or if this child is completely different from E. I can't eat meat. Well, I can't eat anything I can picture raw. I can eat Hot dogs, pepperoni, tuna and shrimp. The rest of what I consume is fruit and cheese. Healthy right? I haven't had strong cravings only strong adversions. I wan't the cravings! I want to make Eric drive the BFE to get me something I can't live without but sadly, I can only name the things I can't eat. I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I have been wanting chicken and dumplings and my father in law is going to fix some today and I am going to try to eat them so wish me luck!

I would also like to comment on my crazy ass dreams!

Last night was the first night that I have actually dreamed about the baby. My dreams post last nights included: Them smoke monster in Lost, Syid in Lost and going to the middle east and shopping in a mall with my grandma.

Last night I dreamed that the baby came early and we were in no way prepared. The baby's room was not done so I decided to make him a home in my closet that just got cleaned yesterday. We have no crib or bassinet so Eric fashioned a bed out of a indoor basketball goal complete with a lighted scoreboard. It was a boy and he could talk so I kept apoligizing to him about not being prepared and he was all "Mom, its cool...REALY." I let E hold him and before I knew it he had laid him down and forgot where he put him.

That happened THREE TIMES.

We finally realized that we would just wait until he cried and then we could find him.

It never occured to me to stop letting him have the baby.

I am questioning my parenting skills right now.

I am also hungry!

Nadya

2009-02-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

I cried when I saw this. I haven't been following this story due to the fact that I want to do bodily harm to all parties involved. I think about what we have gone through, which is a drop in the bucket of what some of my dear internet friends have gone through to concieve, and It physically hurts to see this irresponsibility. I wonder what will happen to these sweet babies.

The Dr. that did this? You are one sick fuck!

Wow

2009-02-06T04:57:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap! Check out my ticker. That might be a little inaccurate at least my dr seems to think I am not that far along but I am going to use my judgement until I know something else.

Dirty Dream

2009-02-05T05:32:00.000-08:00

Last night a dreamed(dreamt?)that I gave birth to a cat.

Have you ever tried to burp a cat?

It's not easy!

The Beginning

2009-02-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

I am not very detail oriented. I am bad about leaving out details and think faster than I type of talk. It occured to me that I haven't really gave many details about finding out and such so today I am going to tell my conception story.

November was an extremely hard month for us. We had some things going on financially that had to be taken care of. We were fighting emotional battles within ourselves and estranged family and it was taking a toll on our relationship. I think we all know that when you throw TTC in the mix of that, then you have a recipe for disaster.

I was already late for my October period and was starting to get a little crazy. I had really worked myself up and was convinced that the pregnancy test were wrong and that I was indeed pregnant. When I did start I was devestated, again, and bitchy, again, and depressed, again. I was a treat.

Lather, rinse, & repeat for December as my november period was off from being late in October and didn't come until middle of december. Eric and I were having so much trouble that I wouldn't even fill out the RE paperwork because I just couldn't see it. I knew that filling out that paperwork was it and if we did commit to a medicated cycle the odds of it working, in my mind, were super slim.

I decided to take a trip and get away to see my best friend. I have never traveled anywhere alone and she works at a ski resort and we would have free access to some of the best skiing in Colorado so I was stoked about getting away and seeing her.

We had decided to take a complete break in december. No charting, temping, test taking, talking about a baby, no timed sex. I was so excited about the trip I don't even remember when my period was. I do know that I drank wine like it was my second job. We enjoyed the holidays and enjoyed New Years.

Eric's birthday was January 14th and we were having a little cookout for him and thinking that I was supposed to start my period soon, I decided to take a test. I didn't expect anything but a negative and honestly knew that I would not be that sad when I saw it. I just didn't want to miss the opportunity of giving my husband a positive for his birthday.

Well the test popped up positive IMMEDIATELY.

I took 1 more on the way home...in a gas station. (Don't judge me)

I would love for this part to be a sweet way that I wrapped up the stick and gave it to him with all the other presents. I did intend to do it that way. However, what really happened is this.

I burst through the door.

He was playing Grand Theft Auto iv.

I shoved the stick in his face and said, "look, you are going to be a dad".

Blink

Blink

"What?"

"Your lying"

"That's fake"

I showed him both tests and had another test ready for when I had to pee again.

Here is the part of the story where I would like to tell you that he jumped up and down and swept me in his arms and we danced in the kitchen. Here is what really happened.

He went to the garage.

I followed him in.

He had tears in his eyes.

He saw me looking at him.

"You better not be joking"

Then we hugged and laughed and all that good stuff.

After dinner we took the test together. I peed in a cup and he dipped the test and we got another positive.

E was ecstatic.

We told our parents that night. And pretty much everyone else knew the next day.

Now as for my due date, I don't have a confirmed one yet. I think I am about 7 weeks. My HCG test showed high like 7-12 weeks when I should have been 5 weeks so that was a little confusing. My Dr said you can't use that to calculate how far along you are.

The ultrasound maching showed my sach to be measuring 5 1/2 weeks last Monday and yesterday he didn't really tell me. Since I don't know the exact day of my last period I may not have a calculated due date until March 2nd when I go back to the DR.

We live in such a small town and have 3 OB Drs. Apparently the sonogram machine isn't the best and that is why we could barely see the heart beat. My Dr. doesn't do the vaginal ultrasound and I didn't hear the heart beat but I did see if flashing.

It has been 8 years since I have done this so I am open to any and all assvice. Also I am looking for the best ticker and I will just use my calculations until next month. But that is where we are so far.

Thump, Thump, Thump

2009-02-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

We have a beautiful heartbeat.

Tick, Tick, Tick

2009-02-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

I have one hour until I leave for my ultrasound and the clock seems to be frozen on 1:14.

To be fair to all the google searches that we bloggers make fun of, I thought that I would comprise a list of my own personal google searches this week. Some were googled by me and others by Eric while I was laying in bed in tears. I will let you guess the ones he had the pleasure of googleing.

1. 5 ½ weeks and we didn’t see a heart beat?
2. Orgasm and Miscarriage?
3. Really high HCG levels but no heart beat
4. Brownish discharge in 6th week of pregnancy?
5. Can I use face wash with sylic acid while pregnant? (still not sure)
6. Molar Pregnancy
7. Signs you are having twins
8. 6 weeks pregnant and extremely hungry
9. due date calculator
10. 7 weeks pregnant and so very hungry
11. 7 weeks pregnant and still hungry as I am eating is this normal.
12. am I having twins quiz
13. Pregnant belly shots at 6 weeks (for comparison as I feel that my stomach is HUGE already and I am not even playing.

So there you have my humbling list. I am sure there were more but I can’t remember now.

I am serious about the hunger. Has anyone else experienced this? I am eating something small and healthy every 2-3 hours. Sometimes I think its nausea but it always get better after I eat something. I have never had hunger pains until now and I swear they are real and they suck.

Well I killed 15 minutes so now I will go eat string cheese.

I will check back with good news…

Treading Water

2009-01-29T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am sorry about the spotty(pun intended) updates. My status has been downgraded as all the bleeding has stopped. I am still sitting on my ass today. Partly because I still want to be careful. But also because, its Thursday, and no person in their right mind starts anything on Thursday. I have manages to get much done through the way of lost though. I have finished season 3 and will start 4 with dinner.

I am still worried about the lack of baby in the pregnancy sac but I guess Monday will show us what we need to know. I feel optimistic as I watched TLC all day yesterday and was all aaaawwwwww. I also was very sick this morning and thankful that I could climb back into bed and sleep it off. I am eating every couple of hours. I would love to say that I am blaming my hunger on the baby to get to eat whatever I want but, DUDE. I go from normal to starving in like 5 seconds. The kicker is I don't have a clue what I want to eat. I get pissed if no one has any suggestions and then I just eat fruit loops. I had a huge salad today which hopefully will make up for all the shit that is in fruit loops.

I have to give props to Eric. That man has really taken care of my and his (potential) offspring. He has cooked and cleaned and laid around with me. Held me and even checks my boobs every little while to see if they are still sore. He is totally vested in us and I am just totally is sappy starry love with him.

E is home from his dad's and I am so happy that I he is here. I had him stay over with his father for a couple of night because I was terrified that I would loose the baby and he would be here. He didn't want to leave me and the first thing he did today was check on "the belly". Its really just fat and bloat at this point but if hes attached to it then who's to judge. Rubbing it makes me feel better so I totally get it.

Well I going back to my couch cause honestly? I am going to milk the last few hours of my bed rest. It don't happen often folks and hopefully this will be the last week laying on my back until Eric takes me on a baby moon.

Love ya!!

PSST.. over here

2009-01-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

Well I saw the ob this morning and I was upgraded to bedrest. The Dr. said it was possible I could have tried to miscarry but of course he doesn't really know.

I had an ultrasound this morning and I am measuring 5 1/2 weeks. I so damned confused. The blood test showed 7-12 weeks. My Dr. said not to count on that and the ultrasound was correct.

There is a sac but no baby. It is still early so I am trying my best to be positive.

So I am on bedrest for a week and they will check me again monday.

I don't have a laptop and the male pregnancy patrol is pretty tuff around here, so I don't know when I will get to update.

I feel ok right now so we will hope for the best!

What the hell is Pelvic Rest?

2009-01-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

Well my uterus decided to start leaking. My cervix are still tightly closed but the uterus is LEAKING. I am supposed to stay calm.

How?

I want this baby so bad.

Not only do I feel out of control. I am the cause of this.

I insisted that it would be ok for us to fool around. Even when Eric was worried I was sure it would be ok.

He rocked my world.

I started bleeding.

Even if all the books say its ok.

Proceed with caution or be prepared to bleed and freak the FUCK OUT.

Oh, I did find that I am somewhere between 7&8 weeks.

However, this is not the way I wanted to get a beta.

Hello My Name is Marie and I am a Lostaholic

2009-01-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

So being the "Johnny come lately" that I usually am, I will not be watching the season premier tonight. I will be starting season 3. A friend loaned us season 1 and we were hooked. We finished season 2 last night and I am itching to start 3.

Anyone else crazy about this modern Gilligan's Island?